As spring rapidly approaches, I once again find myself in the mood for a good spring-cleaning. However, inasmuch as I am a guest a the “Little Hilton on the Hill” (M.C.C.) and have little to clean of my own, I have decided to do spring cleaning for others. Yep, ol’ Bob Wire has decided to clean the skeletons out of the closet of M.C.C. Further, in the tradition of the great gossip columnists I will clean out the closet in the form of “Ask Bob Wire” (I am, after all, a man-in-the-know, here at the Hilton.)
Disclaimer: I cannot say with 1000% certainty that what follows is actually true, but this I can say: a rumor is not a rumor that will not die!
Dear Bob Wire: Is it true that a female C.O. here at M.C.C. made a sex video for the Internet off her getting the shit fucked out of her by a dog? Sincerely, Inmate X
Dear Inmate X: That rumor is patently FALSE… it was vaginal sex.
Dear Bob W: I was told that there was an inmate in here who actually once saw a female C.O. do a strip act at Pure Platinum in Portland. Is there any truth to that rumor? Thanks, Inmate Y.
Dear Y: That rumor is false! All one has to do is look at the C.O. in question to know that can’t be true, for the C.O. is less than 300lbs and has her teeth. What kind of strip act would that be? Duh!
Dear Bob Wire: Is there any truth to the rumor that in 2007 a staff member here was caught with child porn on their computer? Thanks, Inmate Geek.
Dear Geek: It is true! But, in the defense of the individual involved the pictures were rumored not to be for him, but for a calendar in a couple of dorms here at M.C.C. Good question. Keep sending them.
Dear BW: Is it true that from time to time that C.O.’s h ave been inclined to bang female inmates at M.C.C.? Thanks again, Bob Enzyte.
Dear Chubby: That is a very good question indeed. Yes! In 2007, a couple of C.O.s were fired for having sex with female inmates. It is a fetish sweeping the nation. It’s called captive sex!
Dear Bob: Is it true that one time a member of the medical staff was fired for possession of cocaine and other narcotics while on duty? Thank you, Ted Blow
Dear TB: Yes! 2007 was a very good year for C.O.’s thinking they are “all that” and above everybody else. Ooooops!!
Dear BW: Who is watching the watchers here at M.C.C.? John
Dear John: Beats the shit out of me! I guess there are things that even the gods cannot understand!
Well, that is it for this months “Ask Bob Wire.” Keep the questions coming, because if ol’ Bob here can’t find out (or make up) the good answers, nobody can!
Readers of my blogging often write me and say (actually, they write these things, not say them, just for the record) things like: “Bob Wire you’re a pretty negative dude.” Yet others write “Who stuck a stick up your ass to get you so pissed off at M.C.C.?” Still others write: “Bob, I could so do you in the ass right now!” Okay, okay, the last one I made up, but it is lonely here! However the point is this: people think I am a negative kind of guy!!
HELLO!!! ME??? NEGATIVE???
Okay, I can be a bit negative, but I also have a positive side. To show the world the wonderfully positive Bob Wire, I will expose Super Positive Bob to the blogging world. I am going to make Norman Vincent Peale look like a prophet of doom. To expose my positive outlook in the blogging world I thought I might offer MCC suggestions for the better operation of the facility. Pissing and moaning aside, Here I Go!
To the medical department: read the labels on the inmate’s prescription cards. I think you will find that they do not prescribe taking the medication at 7:30 am, 10:30 am and 10 pm. see the problem here? Three fucking hours between the first and second taking and 12 HOURS TIL THE THIRD… Hello! Is it that hard to give the inmates their meds on a schedule that has the semblance of sanity attached to it?
To the administration: in an attempt to save money, I suggest the following: get rid of the C.O.(s) at Sally Port; leave the gates wide open. What are you afraid of anyway? That an inmate might escape from one fenced-in area with razor wire to another fenced-in area with razor wire? The money saved on not having one C.O. could provide bologna sandwiches one day a week at chow…
To the Chow Hall: Keep you know who (J.R. – dorm 5) last in line at chow. No one likes his nose dripping all over everything including the food in the salad bar, the tables, the food line… nasty… you guys know his nose drips everywhere; do something about it… fucking nasty.
To the guys that plow snow: try to put the fucking snow plow down on the ground when plowing. It is fucking bad enough that we have to walk everywhere improperly dressed for the weather; we should not have to use our sneakers to pack the fucking snow down…
To those in charge of the living quarters: Stand up to the punks, for God’s sake. Who is running this shit hole anyway?
Well, that was fun. I got to be Mr. Positive and if the powers to be are like me (and I would like to think they are), they will take these suggestions to heart and we can all live happier, healthier lives together.